Just Like the Movies

I'm the kind of person who can get thoroughly pulled into a film. I rarely cast a cynical eye on incongruities, or snarkily question the unreality of movie moments. Some critic was recently fired for constantly praising worthless movies for kickbacks from the studios. He peppered his reviews with such banalities as "this is a must-see film" and "you don't want to miss this!" Well, I'm like his enthusiastic equivalent, only without the shady bribing, and with a better vocabulary and bigger boobs (here's hoping). Usually, all I require is a happy ending. That's why I'm still shell-shocked from The Departed. And All Dogs Go to Heaven. (What?! Yeah, he got into heaven, but the goodbye scene traumatized my little eight-year-old heart. I sobbed incoherently for ten minutes straight.)

"Why even bother saving NYC?
Coverfield's attacking next month."

I Am Legend
1-10-08 I watched an advanced screening copy of the film, aka a great quality bootleg, over at Tomo's house. (Yes, I felt bad about it, but clearly not enough to just say no.) I found the movie quite entertaining, despite the disappointing ending. Then again, I didn't shell out $10 to watch it, so that contributes to my assessment. The scene in the warehouse was extremely suspenseful and thrilling, and the images of a desolate NYC were spectacular. Will Smith's ripped body was delicious, and the dog was an absolute darling. Will's desperate pleas in the video store made my heart heavy. I wouldn't recommend this to those who like rational explanations for every turn of events. Or biologists/virologists, who are probably shaking in ludicrous laughter at the situation that has wiped out humanity. ***SPOILER ALERT*** Chanel made a reassuring remark about how the dog was going to live and have cute babies before the movie began. So gullible me, I was still sitting there all calm when the dog was attacked, since hey, she was going to be fine! She was going to have babies! NO. She didn't have babies. She was strangled to death as she was transforming into a monster by an agonized Will Smith. That sucked ass. And I couldn't even yell at Chanel because she had fallen asleep on the floor by that point. Also, why did Willy have to die!? The title is horribly misleading; it's I Am Legend, not I Was Legend, thereby providing the moviegoer with a false sense of security that Will Smith will save humankind and live to tell the tale.

"No! You're not going into the kitchen
until you promise to stop cutting yourself!"

Cloverfield
1-18-08 In spite of all the buzz generated from the cunningly covert trailer and the vast viral campaign, I truly could've waited to watch this film. Instead, I trudged out to a midnight premiere to watch it with Isaac, who, only two days earlier, had vowed not to succumb to the sneaky marketing tactics of the film. Then he heard a radio program gushing about the big mystery, and decided we had to immediately watch it. Man, I'm so glad he was such a sucker. What an exhilarating, exuberant, engrossing, and enthralling movie! Especially that night footage scene in the tunnels! Seriously! Now, I have pretty bad motion sickness, so you'd think that 90 minutes of hand-held camera footage with plenty of shaky running would make me nauseous. Instead, I was so absorbed in the film that I barely noticed it. I'm a suspense fan, and this movie knocked it up and threw it down, ultimate fighter style. I wouldn't recommend this to those who like neat and complete resolutions and answers. Or those who couldn't sit through The Blair Witch Project. ***SPOILER ALERT*** Ok, even the grumblings of Isaac over the ridiculousness of certain aspects didn't bring me down. The movie never explains anything about the monster. Where does it come from? What is its purpose for destroying NYC? What the hell are those crazy killer spiders dropping from it? Babies? Parasites? What really happened behind the screen to Janice from Mean Girls? How can the monster resist all those bombs? What, is its skin made of Kevlar? And why the hell was the helicopter flying low enough to get sideswiped by the monster? Yeah, I didn't care about any of that. You know what did bother me, though? No, not the ending, even though you pretty much assume everyone gets killed. It's the fact that Jason's girlfriend didn't even cry when he died. Homegirl was just dry eyed with a crumpled face. No, bitch. I expected tears. Lots of them. You call that love? You disgust me.

"I feel fat. Am I fat in this dress?"
"Nope. Does this suit make me blurry?"

Atonement
1-25-08 I really liked this movie, which is surprising because it is an awfully sad story. It had beautiful visuals, particularly that breathtaking, panoramic shot of Normandy, and Keira Knightly in the green dress that mesmerized Dre. I normally never find Keira all that attractive, but dear God, that sex scene in the library has plagued my fantasies for the past ten days. She looks ravishing. And James McAvoy! Oomf! Instant infatuation. The most crushing part in the movie is when he strolls up proudly with the twins, and that look of bewilderment slowly shadows his face as everyone stands before him. And then the look on his face as he is placed in the car--it kills me. As for Briony, the central character in the movie, I held a grudge the entire time, thus making me almost disgusted with the final moments of the movie. I'm fairly sure that's not what the film intends for the audience; the movie is called 'atonement,' after all. It's just that I felt so deeply for the two lovers that I couldn't wholly forgive Briony for her actions. It's a languid, lush tale that didn't make me pine for my $12 back. I wouldn't recommend it for action-only fans or people who've done something that completely fucked up someone else's life (might hit a little too close to home). ***SPOILER ALERT*** I knew he was going to die. They were totally foreshadowing it, so I wasn't too devastated. Plus, writers tend to make the story all super tragic in order to give it more depth. I hate when that happens! And I feel SO gypped that that confrontation with the three of them in Keira's room was just make-believe. It's just not fair!

"I know! QWERTY is played out.
Mad props for scrambling it up!"

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
1-31-08 B and I were supposed to watch this since before Christmas, but we finally made it happen last Thursday. In case you didn't know, this is the critically acclaimed movie about a man who has locked-in syndrome, and can only move and communicate with his right left eye (thanks for catching that, B, you loser). Jean-Do feels completely trapped and isolated (hence the diving bell metaphor), but his imagination sets him free (hence the butterfly metaphor). Yes, it's just as heartrending and beautiful as the trailer indicates, although not quite as uplifting. What makes it so much more haunting is that it's a true story. B says he came out with the message of "live life to the fullest." I got more of a "be good to the people you love or you might end up fully cognizant but completely paralyzed and unable to truly recompense for your wrongs" kinda vibe. But that could be my pesky pessimism overshadowing the sunshine and all. Just watch it. It's impressionable, unforgettable, and moving. I'm glad I had B's hankie around, because my face would've been even messier than it usually is. ***SPOILER ALERT*** I'm so heartsick over the scene where the mother of Jean-Do's children, who is still madly in love with him despite how he abandoned her for someone else, is forced to translate over the phone to his lover. He knows how much it must hurt her, and yet he still tells her to tell his mistress, "Every day I wait for you." Man, I'm sorry, but that's pretty messed up. The mother of his children was visiting all the time, while the other bitch was M.I.A. Couldn't he just suck it up and make the first woman feel loved and appreciated? Especially since in the first ten minutes, he was sorrowfully saying that he could never make it up to her for how badly he treated her. Well, that was his chance right there, and he blew it!

I know, this was a long post. I've been behind on everything! Gah. I need to spread it out instead of bunching it all up into one big entry. I'll keep working on that.