Where Is the Love?

B's on a "date" right now. I put date in quotation marks because he doesn't believe in dating. He thinks it's a crock of shit that he should have to wine and dine someone just for the privilege of getting to know them. Luckily for him, tonight consists of a home-cooked meal at an acquaintance's house, so all B needs to do is bring some wine and his famous creme brulee. The Viet chick he's being set up with is supposedly a hotter, more successful version of me. We've been jokingly referring to her as his upgrade, and I'm really curious to find out if she lives up to the talk that his friend has been spewing.

Speaking of talk from friends, everyone I've mentioned this to is basically saying, "OMG, are you crazy!? Hurry up and take him back before he gets over your sorry ass!" Dude. First of all, that would be terribly selfish on my part. I can't drop him and then decide to start clutching again because he might be moving on! How does that improve my growth as a person? Second, if I freaked out over every possible replacement, I'd go nuts! Considering how maturely he has handled the fact that I'm dating, it's the least I can do for him not to thwart his bachelor time. Third, even if I did want to reconcile, B's at the point where he wants to fuck around a bit. I mean, he's finally gotten over the heartbreak part of the split, so he might as well reap some single-guy rewards, right? I don't mind. Last of all, thanks! What, nobody thinks I can do any better? Ok, ok, it's probably true, and I know everyone--including my family--thinks that I won the lottery when B fell for me, and that I'm an idiot for leaving him.

Broken Heart by May Ann Lucidine

And speaking of family, none of our parents know about what happened. B doesn't want to alarm them or look dumb if we end up back together, and I just don't want to hear my mom bitch me out, lol. B was groaning to me earlier about how he's going to have to concoct a story to his mom about what he did for me for Valentine's Day, haha. My family doesn't talk all that much for me to be making up shit, so I'm covered. We've decided that if we ever do fill in the folks, it'll be because one of us has truly moved on with someone new.

And speaking of Valentine's Day, I spent mine trying to end things with Isaac, and then trying to make it up to him the rest of the time because I ruined his holiday, haha. We've been casually dating for about a month, and I definitely don't see this going long term. I don't want him to get too emotionally involved, and I wish he wouldn't take things so seriously. Don't get me wrong; I like him, and he's a wonderful guy--I really wouldn't bother if he weren't. I just happen to have an extremely pessimistic view of the relationship, which I attempt to express a lot because I don't want anyone getting hurt. Besides, this whole "it'll never work" shit is not just on my part either; the guy is a Russian Jew who wants to marry 100% Jewish. He told me that right when we started taking an interest in one another, and I wholly appreciated his honesty. So why does he get so upset every time I honestly discuss the futility of our future?! Boys are weird. He thinks I'm crazy, so I guess we're even.

Full Moon, Empty Heart by Fabian Perez

And speaking of crazy, to conclude this shit, I feel like ever since this all went down, an emptiness has pervaded inside, and I foresee nothing that can bring back fulfillment. It's quite different from the crushing depression I used to experience back in the day; it's more like the lingering ghost of it, a diaphanous shadow across my psyche. I find it all the more irritating, because it's not something I've ever dealt with before. At least with depression, I was moved to write. This is just an underwhelming feeling of discontentment. Despite their having no true weight, these flimsy phantoms still need to be exorcised. If only I knew how.